FLAUNT MAGAZINE COLUMNS 03
02/03 PSYCHIC SEX IN THE CITY
I was at a wedding shower recently and over heard the bride to be reading aloud a Hallmark card some well-wished party attender had gifted the soon to be Mrs. It read; Women are from Venus, Men are just wrong.” I thought that statement was brilliantly put. It sure summed up my view of the entire male race. Yet, lately something has happened that is forcing me to change my position.
It’s a simple fact that I scare the shit out of most guys I meet. Nonetheless, I’ve still managed to have my share of boyfriends, bootie calls and one night stands. More than I would care to fess up too. Yet, at some anti-climatic point I took a long hard look and concluded that in the majority of my sexual experiences, the individuals that I was getting busy with, were getting a much better deal out of it than I. What’s a girl to do? As unfulfilling as this realization was, it still would never be enough to turn me Jessica Stein.
Although, about a decade ago I took this women’s spiritually inclined class on getting to know your body. In it I was unwilling forced to put my hand not only up another woman’s vagina but I had to find and feel her uterus too. Ewe, Double ewe. I mean I have no issues with the gender thing, a spirit is a spirit is a spirit…and when it comes down to it, that truly is what one is attracted to. I just damn well know from knowing myself; that burying my face in another woman’s shrubbery will never be in my future.
I look at client’s questions about love interests everyday, giving me quite the broad-spectrum view. Doing the work that I do…healing the fraught women who have screwed themselves up by getting involved with males they never should…Let’s just say that I wasn’t out there desperately seeking Mr. Right. Right, anyone who says they are not looking is so full of shit. I’ve looked. In fact I absolutely love the sport of male watching. Sometimes I feel like a kid window shopping a candy store chock full of men. Everyone appears so appealing as a pack. But when you single out individual stock, you see damage that’s occurred from mishandling and smell staleness from what’s picked over. I’m left with this nasty taste in my mouth that’s best evaluated: testosterone tends to come wrapped up in tightly sealed packages that contain life long healing projects within. Children I have to tell you that each of us have enough of our own issues to heal and crap to overcome, that signing up for ongoing delivery of this type of sugar rush is the last thing you want to be shopping for.
There has only been three times in my life when I looked at someone and instantaneously knew I had some romantic karmic connection. The first two taught me the exact meaning of what a life long healing project is. One has clung around my atmosphere for about 14 years now, while the other one has been programmed in and erased out of my cell phone for about five. I know the first one is gay, he doesn‘t. The second one, God when I think about it he just might be gay too, but that’s most likely my ego wanting that excuse. For all the times I cluelessly questioned if either of them loved me or If I would end up with one of these two, what the heck was I thinking?
Which brings me to time number three and that thing that is making me rethink all that I have previously thought. When a man is into you, you will know. You will know to the point that you won’t ever have to question him, yourself or a psychic. The fact that I am referring to him as a man is telling in itself. Anyone who knows me or who has previously read this column knows that up until this point I have only ever referred to men as boys. So this one is different. Way, different. He might just be the one who causes me to change my mantra that whoever I was looking for was where I was going, not where I was or had been.
One night I went to my fabulous friend Heather’s birthday dinner, sat down next to this incredible man and immediately knew where I wanted to go with him. Happily it was mutual and we have been going at it ever since. Where we go next, only time will tell. What I do know is that I have finally found an experience where I am getting an equal if not better end of the deal!
ARIES: Your sexuality is intense and hot. You’re attracted to the unusual and unorthodox. You’re never afraid to go after who and what you want.
TAURUS: Your sexuality is strong and deep, You are sensual yet conservative, strikingly attractive, and always ready to please your partner.
GEMINI: Your sexuality is fickle running hot and cold. You love adventure and intrigue. You take risks but are uncomplicated in your desires.
CANCER: Your sexuality runs deep, but follows an obstacle filled path. You are profoundly emotional, deeply sensitive, and overly protect your heart.
LEO: Your sexuality is powerful and dynamic. You’re open to trying anything. There is no shortage of others who want to share your bed with you.
VIRGO: Your sexuality is intellectual. You practice conservative sex, but experiment if convinced your partner won’t make too much mess.
LIBRA: Your sexuality is responsive. Your need to relate makes you eager to please, but you often look for someone more satisfactory somewhere else.
SCORPIO: Your sexuality is deep and intense. You passion is primal. You never take the act lightly seeking transformation through each experience.
SAGITTARIUS: Your sexuality is lively, lusty and adventurous. You get off on breaking in new ground. You have many types, tastes and interests.
CAPRICORN: Your sexuality is powerful, but insecurity holds you back. You get frustrated while in pursuit but push until you achieve your desire.
AQUARIUS: Your sexuality is steady, yet unorthodox. You are experimental and love unusual sexual encounters. You have no fear when following your desires.
PISCES: Your sexuality is intuitive and sympathetic. You are fantasy-driven and ruled by your emotions when it comes to what you are attracted to.
03/03 SPRING CLEANSING
You know those people who can eat and drink anything they want and never gain an ounce? I hate them. Okay I don’t actually hate them, but it’s just have a few issues with my teeth which I’m getting treated at Mentone dentists, but envy, I admit to that. Taking a gander at my peers, it appears that the clairvoyant standard package comes equipped with one defect. If you are blessed with the psychic reader gene, you somehow get passed over when they hand out the have an amazing body gene. Oh boy how lucky for me.
I don’t mean to sound bitter or complaining. I completely understand that with being psychic I need to have a body that is able to handle a lot of energy, which pretty much equals having a lot of body. (Again, woohoo for me.) I swear before I leave this planet I am going to conquer and win this battle with my body once and for all.
Being madly in like with someone who loves to party does wonders for ones waistline…NOT. So here I am a few months into my happy new relationship. I’m having the time of my life going out being wined and dined every night by my fabulous groovy man. When one morning I awoke with an all too familiar haze of head aching and hangovering. I made my way out of bed and nakedly stumbled over to the mirror where I could barely recognize the puffy person staring back at me. If my reflection wasn’t giving me the wake up call, my closet was, as I no longer fit into anything I owned.
Looking back, nourishing myself has been an issue. I grew up with a Jewish mother who was a gourmet chef. Every night she would whip up some extravagant feast in her seasoned wok without ever following a recipe. As yummy as it was, most of the time my mother’s pallet was too intense for my taste. I spent many a childhood dinner dissecting what was in front of me, picking out inedible chunks of fresh ginger, bark root or whatever cupboard stuffing and pantry fluff she decided to throw on in. This lead me to crave the most bland food possible. To this day I’ll choose macaroni and cheese over Chili Verde. I suppose in a way I rebelled against my mother by not learning how to cook, which unfortunately turned into not knowing how to feed myself. If one day in the future I am ever in the position of being someone’s mother, I pray that child rebels against me.
So, I have this body trainer friend who for the twelve years plus that I have known him has been trying to get me to do this lemonade diet thing. Maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s called the Master Cleanse. You basically consume nothing but fresh lemon juice, B grade maple syrup, cyanine pepper and water. That’s it, no food. The ingredients have everything you need to cleanse your body while maintaining perfect health. People have been known to stay on it for up to 40 days and even heal ulcers on it. I once saw Mr. pretty George Hamilton on some bad talk show claiming that he does it a few times a year.
With the reality of my situation feeling so incredibly polluted, I couldn’t put another anything unto my oral cavity. I was a walking talking pickled person from all that I had consumed. I needed a dose of divine intervention and this was going to be my liquid magic bullet. Little did my boyfriend know that he was about to lose his partner in dining and drinking crime.
A girlfriend of mine decided to cleanse with me. I was so excited, I started two days earlier than we planned. She crapped out on her first day, yet remarkably I stuck to it. For me the girl who can’t stay on a diet for longer than an hour, this was going to be the most disciplined thing I had ever done in my life. In fact while on the cleanse I went to parties where I watched (italics) everyone else eat and drink. Then just like that, ten whole surprisingly not that horrible days, and two colonics later, I was cleansed!
Speaking of colonics, yes, I know this is a gross subject, but if you’ve ever witnessed the grossness that comes out of you when you get one.. you won’t be able to go another minute without yearning to get one yesterday. Scary is when one discovers that our bodies can house this toxic brewing that is actively stewing within us. It’s a miracle that we can think straight (oh right we don’t always do that) or put our shoes on the right feet while dragging around baby Chernobyls within us. So you see when that gets washed out, our existence is literally a lot less shitty. (Okay I’ll stop with the visuals, but if just one of you decides to make an appointment to go get one after reading this, I’ve done my job here.)
When you do this cleansing thing you start to get pretty high. You start to feel like you are on a different plane of existence than the common folk, who eat and drink that thing you used to know called food. You start to feel so unstoppable that you start philosophizing crazy concepts and making difficult demands such as you’re never going to drink anything alcoholic ever again. You’re only going to consume fresh fruit and vegetable juices daily. You’re never going to smoke. If you’re not a smoker already, you’re not going to hang out around your smoker friends so you don’t pick up their second hand smoke. Why you’re not even going to take an over the counter or prescription drug ever again.
Then when you’re done. You have to deal with the depression of going back to consuming real food again. You start drinking tons of water and chomping on celery…Yet it doesn’t take that long until you find yourself out with your boyfriend in some happening restaurant ordering a glass of Cabernet…and some really well done French fries…starting the whole impure process over again. And that is just the way I like it.
How you cleanse:
ARIES: gets aggravated, irritated, and ornery, but stays on till the bitter end.
TAURUS: checks to see if the coast is clear, then does it without letting anyone know.
GEMINI: tries to cleanse by day, but end up parting by night.
CANCER: attempts to, but makes a ruckus, then blames someone else why they can’t.
LEO: announces on stage that they are going on hiatus to cleanse.
VIRGO: is the expert who has cleansed many times before but insists that it’s the first time.
LIBRA: spends all day looking in the mirror to see their progress.
SCORPIO: does it to increase their kundilini energy.
SAGITTARIUS: starts while taking up residence in a tree that’s about to be cut down.
CAPRICORN: over analyses the whole ordeal, never finding the time or space putting it off until tomorrow.
AQUARIUS: is so well organized that they diary each trip to the bathroom in detail.
PISCES: first figures out what it is, then questions if it’s beneficial.. In other words never does.
04/03 PARLEZ VOUS PSYCHIQUE
I have never been to France. At least in this body, in this lifetime. I have however psychically seen France through many client’s past life readings. But in actuality…all I really know about France is…French fries, French kissing and a few French men.
I have had a long time affair with someone French. His name was Fry, French Fry to be exact. Looking back, I have salivated over and swallowed some French fries that have tasted better than some of my romantic partners.
French fries don’t come from France. They originated in Belgium. The French call them pommes frites. Americans call them French fries because of how they are cut; as in French cut green beans. I think we should call French fries something more like raw oil saturated planks de potato. I mean you might as well just open up your mouth and pour the oil straight down your throat with how our frantic fast food chains and rushed restaurants serve them. I’ve been known to embarrass my dining companions by requesting that an order of limp fries be sent back to be properly cooked till hard and crisp. I worked as a waitress before. I know there is some sweaty short order cook who has furiously spit in my cuisine because I demanded that my fries be well done, while he just wanted to get on to his next order. If you are going to eat something so bad for your waistline to begin with, like you’re going to want to waste calories on this? (Yep, folks PsychicGirl even has issues with French fries.)
I also has an issue with accents. Actually, men with accents to get more specific. Maybe it’s something unconscious. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was born a nice Jewish girl and nice Jewish girls really don’t dig extra skin…if you get my drift. I think what happen is that somewhere early in my sexual explorations I ended up equating accent to equal un-circumcision. Two painfully big and one painfully small baises (French for four letters that start with an F) is all it took for me to come (or should I say not come) to this unsatisfying climatic decision.
I once met this French guy who didn’t have an accent. He was a friend of my then boyfriend. God I thought he was hot. I kind of wanted him…or at least to kiss him. But I wasn’t about to cheat on the boyfriend. Plus Frenchy had a girlfriend too. After I broke up with the boyfriend, Frenchy and I became reacquainted though a different group of friends. I discovered that Frenchy had also ditched the girlfriend but damn, he had just started dating someone else new. One evening a group of us decided to dine at the romantique French restaurant, The Little Door. However, chicky was running late and was going to join us later. How the evening progressed next, I am not proud of…but let’s just say that Frenchy was a porc (pig) and never answered his cell phone, so chicky never got the opportunity to join us that night. Quelques bouteilles de vin rouge plus tard, (a few bottles of red wine later) it seemed that Frency and I were ready to attack each other right there at the dinner table. The conquest I had desired was about to be all mine.
From here in you would expect this story to get really juicy…and oh it does, but not in the way you would think. You see after I got him…just like an order of soggy fries, I wanted to send him back. Yet this time I had no craving for this dish to be re-served. The long awaited kiss I had so achingly waited for…I should have just left at that. Boy my psychic senses were sure off on this one. This guy seemed so sexy and charming, but then with just one slip of the tongue… disappointingly I discovered that Frenchy kissed like a slobbering Saint Bernard dog! I’m not talking about swapping salvia here, but more like foaming of the mouth, as the entire lower portion of my face was dripping with his drool. (Eew.) I stopped and wondered if this was some French sexual delicacy, that I had yet to discover. But quickly realized if it was, I didn’t want to know about it then or ever. I had to say Cest la vie to Frenchy. But don’t fret about him. Frency got to have his cake and eat it too. Evidently chicky still dug the dribbler even after she found out about our little escapade. I truly hope they ended up happily ever after. At least we know they were wet. (One would think that I must have done something very bad in a past life to create this funky karma with the French.)
There is this other thing that’s kind of funky and French that I have yet to include here. I can’t really believe that it happened to me…or shall I take some responsibility here and say that I took part in it…oh, lets get real here, I was the one that instigated it! Well, actually only a wimpy-ass version of it. Jesus, I’ve shared my deepest darkest everything in this column. Evidently I have absolutely no shame what-so-ever that I am blurting out to the masses that I was involved in a manage a tois. But, as I said it really wasn’t all that…articles of clothing were left on by all parties (if that means anything.)
Back to the beginning where I was telling you how I don’t know Jacque Merde (jack shit) about the French, what I do know is that if you happen to meet two hotties at the same time who are friends, pick only one. Because no matter how appealing and provocative it may seem at the time…whatever happens in the beginning, or the middle…you pretty much can count on losing them both in the end.
When In France:
Belier (Aries) You stroll down the Champs-Elysee in search of a piece of âne. (booty)
Taureau (Taurus) You think you’re speaking the language, but while asking for the bathroom you end up in jail for propositioning an officier.
Gateaux (Gemini) You can’t decide on the left or the right bank, so you end up in the middle…wet, in the Seine.
Cancer (Cancer): You eat their food, drink their wine, visit the Eiffel Tower but complain the entire time.
Lion (Leo) You go to the Palace of Versailles, crown yourself emperor and are immediately overthrown.
Vierge (Virgo) You Metro straight to the Louvre where you convince yourself that you are the great work of art.
Balance (Libra) You spend your time figuring out the exchange rate and wonder if you’ve been ripped off.
Scorpion (Scorpio) You voyeur over to the Moulin Rouge and try to steal someone’s underwear.
Sagittaire (Sagittarius) You spend mornings in a café, afternoons shopping at Colette and evenings at a happening soirée.
Capricorne (Capricorn) You don’t comprehend the taxi driver so you get back on the plane and go home. Au revoir.
Verseau (Aquarius) You head for the Alps and climb the highest peak naked.
Poissons (Pisces) You spend your entire trip trying to figure out the bidet.
05/03 SCHOOL DAYS
No matter what age we are, young or old, we are continually being given the opportunity to overcome our crap. If we choose to do so, that is totally up to us. We always have the freewill to stay stuck in a rut or move fast forward a head. From what I have come to understand, life, the universe, our existence are all constantly sending us situations to learn and grow from. Beautiful, wonderful, lovely (and yes, I am saying that sarcastically ) lessons. They just keep coming one right after the other. It never stops. Why even the reward for successfully passing that last lesson you just got through…is that you get to move on to a whole new lesson. Oh, goodie. If you thought you were done with school, think again because life is one long on-going special ed class, even for me.
When I started out reading for other people many moons ago, I used to get a lot of flack about my age or lack of it. People would comment on how I was too young to possibly be psychic. I thought It was rather odd that others assumed that one in their youth could not be in touch with their intuition. Even before 900 numbers and infomercials became famous, the perception of my profession was that you had to be old, ugly, adorned with a caftan, turban and a crystal ball. I hope in this lifetime I’m able to put a dent in that mold.
When one is psychic people expect you to have all the answers to everything. They don’t seem to comprehend that I am here just like everyone else with my own stuff to learn and conquer. In fact what sucks for me is that when I am being taught a lesson, I get tested ten times harder than anyone else.. Other wise how would I be able to turn around and assist you. Right? Fun for me.
We all have it. All of us are born with a natural intuition that is as much a part of us as our sense of taste or smell. It’s just that society has not given us much permission to connect with it and use it. It’s kind of like if we were raised in a world that lead us to believe that it was not kosher for us to breath through our nose. If you were continually told that breathing through your nose was a very bad thing to practice, it was dangerous, even considered sacrilegious? It wouldn’t be long before you stopped breathing through your nose because you didn’t want to be considered an outcast. This pretty much is what happen along the way with humanity and our sixth sense. Somewhere eons ago in religious history some control freak person in a position of power wanted to have all the influence over others and started this ridiculous belief system. (Can you imagine this person’s karma today, scary.)
The younger we are, the less time society has had to program us with bullshit and the less crud we have to work our way through to reconnect with our own intuition. Okay good, but please don’t think that I’m implying that you should to go running to your 10 year old niece demanding to know if the person you have a crush on likes you back. What I am saying is that when we are young we are naturally more in touch with our insight. This also does not mean that if you no longer considered yourself to be young… you can’t make the connection. You just have a little bit more stuff to work though to get there. Extra fun for you.
I can only make claims for myself here and not every other Dick, Jane and Mary psychic out there.. But when I read it is a lot like going on camera. Although there are lots of actors and actresses running around acting like they are on camera when they aren’t…I am not walking around trying to psychically looking at stuff when I’m not reading. So it might come as a shock to discover I am in this way a lot like you. When I am out having a drink, I’m just having a drink. I have plenty of my own issues, energy and stuff to deal with, that the last thing I want to do when I’m not reading (working) is voyeur into your space and look at your stuff just for a little extracurricular fun.
One of the biggest tests I have is that I get bent out of shape by other people’s unawareness of how my abilities work. When someone who doesn’t know me, finds out that I am psychic and asks me stupid questions like: “What am I thinking?.. Can you guess my sign?.. How old am I?” It’s quite frustrating. I suppose some people actually assume that I enjoy being the party trick that walks around psychically turned on and tuned in 24 hours a day… already looking at everything and everyone that happens to cross my path. Not! It so doesn’t work that way. I don’t mean to sound like a bitter medium, but when some loser blurts out “Hey Psychic Girl, Can you guess my name?” I’m making nice while smiling at them outside, but on the inside I’m urging to respond: “Dude, if you need me to tell you your own name, you need much more help than me.”
If you went back to school today you’d:
Aries: get recognition for being the most creative in your class, but have to deal with jealousy from your classmates.
Taurus: are the bully of the playground, get caught passing notes in class and are sent to detention for a full week.
Gemini: have a crush on someone in class, debate back and forth about how you could change your destiny by letting them know or not.
Cancer: be playing in the sandbox, discover the kid playing next to you and invite them over after school for a play date.
Leo: be elected Prom royalty, eat, drink, dance, party the night away, and be granted a mighty hangover.
Virgo: be suspended from school for fighting, but you’d feel justified because you were defending an innocent kid from a bully.
Libra: be the sophisticated kid in class who saves up all their allowance to purchase a matching sweater, scarf and mitten set.
Scorpio: be incredibly charming for your young age as you flirted with your fellow students, teachers and even the cafeteria workers.
Sagittarius: keep looking at the clock waiting for the bell to ring, because you know there is a whole world going on outside of school.
Capricorn: go to the school dance and stand around like a wallflower until the cutie you secretly like asks you to dance.
Aquarius: be the class clown who keeps all of your classmates in stitches while you are able to deal with even the meanest teacher.
Pisces: be the brain of the class who gets straight A’s, while you daydream of growing up to be a rock star.
06/07/03 PSYCHIC VACATION
No matter how much you like someone, there’s no better way to wreck a relationship than going on vacation with them. When I was young, my family would go on vacation together. My dad (shoe store owner) had this compulsion to go into every shoe store we saw to measure up the competition, even though these stores were hundreds of miles away from ours. Systematically he would go in to the chosen store, do his walk through to sum up the place and of course would let it be known to the poor person who was working the store that he owned shoe stores too. Dad got to feed his ego and I unconsciously was brainwashed that vacation equals work. To this day I don’t vacation well.
When I was even younger my friend and her parents took me camping. She had a an older brother who was a miserable monster. He took this trip as his opportunity to let me know just how much he liked me. As we were playing make believe in the woods, he shot me in the finger with his be be gun. (My first not so nice experience with nature.)
Years later I went on a trip with some other friends to their cabin on a lake. They had a boat which we motored out into the middle of the lake in. Next they cut the engine of the boat while we just sat wading in the water. I asked what we were doing and they replied that we were just hanging. Oh. Hanging was completely a foreign concept to me. I had no clue how to just hang. Then just about when I could take the doing nothing no longer, we decided that I should attempted to water ski for the first time. I barley got up on the skis when a bee flew right into a finger of the fingerless gloves I was wearing and stung me (which by the way was also my first bee sting.) I blew up like a red puffy blow fish as welts developed over my entire body. Another lovely experience with nature for my memory book. The last vacation that I took was in January. A girlfriend invited me to go to Sundance. Not because she had a film showing in any of the festivals. But to do some marketing for the company she worked for handing out freebees to VIP festivalgoers. I got to tag along for the ride, and oh what a ride it was. This trip, left me feeling like I needed a whole other vacation to recover from it. On the ride to the airport we anticipated how much fun yet was to come. But, by the time we boarded for the flight home, my friend and I weren’t even speaking.
Due to yet another incident with nature.and this guy Pal. This time I wasn’t personally injured, just the car that was rented in my name was. Pal is this intoxicated inebriated friend of my friend who decided that on top of whatever else he was tripping on.it wasn’t enough. No he then dropped some x .took the rented Excursion out four wheeling in the snow at some insane dark hour of the night and drive the car into a ditch. Needless to say.we awoke in the morning to find a fucked up car and Pal void of all memory of what took place. All I can say is thank God for rental insurance. How my friend ever forgave Pal for his actions, that is not for me to judge. I guess she forgave him the same way I forgave her for inviting him on our vacation. Nature on the other hand doesn’t seem to be so forgiving to me.
Aries: On vacation you struggle with calling home and work, but finally allow yourself to relax and go with the flow. Your dream vacation is any beach with a breeze, a drink in your hand, and a sexy companion. Your idea of nature is room service at the Hilton.
Taurus: On vacation you are the great adventurer, but your stubborn nature makes your companions think of you in very different terms. Your dream vacation is to strange and distant lands like climbing Mt. Everest. In nature you embrace the call of the wild and live off the land.
Gemini: On vacation you schedule every single detail of your including bathroom stops and how many minutes for lunch. Your dream vacation is 17 countries in 7 days. Nature is fine just as long as it can keep to your schedule.
Cancer: On vacation your lightning quick temper has every travel agent and concierge knowing your name, your preferences, and that still isn’t good enough for you. Your dream vacation is being pampered at a very expensive spa, waited on hand and foot. You have a love hate thing for nature….you love it …..it hates you.
Leo: On vacation you dive right into the culture of wherever you are and instantly dub yourself a native. Your dream vacation, any cosmopolitan city is prime. In nature, nature, what is nature?
Virgo: On vacation your frugal nature takes over and doesn’t allow you to fully enjoy the fruits of your labor. Your dream vacation is a cruise to the Caribbean that you got on e-bay for a song. You have a great love for nature and since camping is free.
Libra: On vacation no matter where anyone else wants to go, it is your way or the highway. You don’t need a tour guide, you are the tour guide. You dream of a romantic trip to Venice, but the practical side allows only a trip to the Venetian in Las Vegas. You love being in nature and it rejuvenates you.
Scorpio: On vacation you explore the darker sides of the places you visit, venturing down the unmarked paths. Your dream vacation is Bangkok, Morocco, The Seychelles or any Sandals resort. You think nature is a good excuse to get naked.
Sagittarius: On vacation you love to do something you’ve never done before. Skydiving, parasailing or. Your dream vacation is a beautiful island in the South Pacific where you can scuba or surf the days away. You are one with nature.
Capricorn: On vacation you can’t decide, go with the tour or venture out on your own. You end up staying in your room with a good book and a glass of wine. Your dream vacation is somewhere logical, practical and emotional…..Disneyworld. In nature you love the beauty but you hate the bugs.
Aquarius: On vacation you never get to go or do what you want. Even when you travel alone you end up having to bend to someone else’s idea. Your dream vacation is to Rome where you will satisfy your creativity, love of romance and history. In nature you are like a duck in a pond.
Pisces: On vacation you’d have a great time if you could decide to which direction to go in because you want to do everything all at once. Your dream vacation is on a Tahitian beach while riding the roller coaster in Coney Island at the same time. You think you can handle being in nature, but after ten minutes it’s time to go home.
10/03 VERY SUPERSTITIOUS
Psychic Trick or Treat Ever felt that you had a spell cast on you, or that you’ve jinxed yourself? Ever watched a horror movie and been so freaked you couldn’t get it out of your head? Ghosts, goblins and gory monsters are all scary. But what is even scarier is the uncharted territory of your unconscious mind and the ability is has to play along with you. You see all the superstitions and fears floating around in the universe only have the power to effect you to the degree that you allow them. So, the next time you find yourself tripping over something you think is bigger than life, try the following spiritual magic. Envision a symbol that represents your “scary” thing. Next watch that symbol get smaller and smaller until it becomes a miniscule dot that you can barely see. Then take an imaginary envelope and place your dot inside of it. Now take your dot on a walk to the nearest make believe mail box, open the shoot, say good bye and let it go. Relax knowing that your “scary” thing is now the property of where little kids send letters to Santa ie: the US Postal Service Recovery System and has absolutely no chance of ever finding you again…A trick and a treat!
Aries: Very superstitious: Say you have no superstitions? You show brave to the public, but once a black cat crosses your path in your pocket and you’ll find a rabbit’s foot, a four leaf clover, and an old fortune predicting money, sex and power. Bump in the night: In the dark you fear no evil and bump deeper into any void you encounter. Scary movie role: Count Dracula, you are the leader of all vampires, and half dead who party with you till the break of dawn.
Taurus: Very superstitious: You throw salt over your shoulder in order to ward off bad luck. You fear not being taken seriously and take whatever measures to protect yourself. Bump in the night: You bump your head repeatedly against the headboard in the night, but that’s a small price for the evening’s naughty entertainment. Scary movie role: You are Jason in the Friday the 13th –you know the strong silent murderous type just looking for someone to love.
Gemini: Very superstitious: Intellectually you are analytical about anything that reeks of superstition. You rationalize that you don’t walk under ladders because you are too smart. Bump in the night: A natural conversationalist you are an expert with your tongue, in the dark your lover goes bumping throughout the night. Scary movie role: You are both Norman Bates and his Psycho mother, one moment you’re kind and gentle, the next you’re a homicidal maniac.
Cancer: Very superstitious: You love your homey hearth finding comfort surrounded by your potions, candles, and books of incantations to ward off evil and stray Jehovah Witnesses. Bump in the night: Having a good memory you know your way around in the dark and only bump into those people’s places you desire. Scary movie role: Boil, toil and trouble you are the Witch behind the cauldron cooking up a nasty brew for any who dares trespass.
Leo: Very superstitious: You spend time gazing at your reflection in the mirror, and worry about the seven years of bad luck for throwing that mirror at a past lover. Bump in the night: You vibe enthusiasm and magnetism in the light, in the dark you fantasize about your admirers bumping into one another to spend the night with you. Scary movie: You are the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera wooing your leading lady and killing all who would oppose your carnal desires.
Virgo: Very superstitious: Exacting and critical you don’t look at your superstitions as such, to you they are just the things that make you special. Bump in the night: When you bump in the night you have a hard time not getting up and straightening up the place just in case other company might come over and join in. Scary movie role: Born to serve, you’re the dutiful Igor from Frankenstein who is always ready to give the good doctor an eager good hand.
Libra: Very superstitious: While you spend your time focused on others your greatest fear and superstition is being buried alive. Not to worry, your friends plan to put a sexy partner in your box with you. Bump in the night: You don’t like being alone, in the dark that feeling only intensifies, so you hold on to your partner and ride out the very bumpy night together. Scary movie role: You are Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, surmising that two heads are better than one.
Scorpio: Very superstitious: You see the world in a black and white, it is what it is. Yet, every Friday the 13th you are afraid to leave the house. You call in sick and spend the day in bed. Bump in the night: The probing mind loves the dark where every bump provides a new place to probe. Scary movie role: Always dead serious you are one of the zombies from the film Night of the Living Dead, looking for someone new delicious to eat.
Sagittarius: Very superstitious: Free and easy is your life, with knowledge being the key–but when you hear some bad news that happen to a friend your fist is knocking wood. Things that go bump in the night: You love to ponder the meaning of life, in the dark you bump into the origin of life over and over again. Scary movie role: You see yourself as the great philosopher just as the Werewolf did before a full moon changed him into a horny howling beast.
Capricorn: Very superstitious: You tend to cross your fingers when you’re hoping for something or someone to happen…while you keep your legs uncrossed just incase it actually does. Bump in the night: You bump your head in the dark against the wall lamp looking for your wallet to pay for your night of bumping. Scary movie role: On the stubborn side and wrapped too tight for your own good, you are The Mummy, and decide you’re going to try bondage.
Aquarius: Very superstitious: You confront your superstitions head on, yet you can’t come to grips with the believe that if you touch yourself down there you’ll go blind or grow hairy palms. Bump in the night: Your social conscience for mankind goes out like a light once you’re in the dark, then you bump and grind your way to greater personal good. Scary movie role: Desiring to make the world better, you are Doctor Frankenstein, a little more concentration on the monster and less on your beautiful assistant.
Pisces: Very superstitious: You don’t believe in garlic stopping Vampires, but you won’t go walking on a grave for fear you might wake up the dead. Bump in the night: You may be afraid of the dark, but you don’t mind the bumps in the night or for that matter the bumps in the day. Scary movie role: Your secretive nature makes you a perfect Jack in The Shining, because you know that all work and no play makes Jack a very dull Jack.
11/03 TALKING TURKEY
Some random, spiritual and ecology turkey facts: Turkeys have been around for ten million years. Their heads change colors when they get excited. Their feathers were used by Native Americans to stabilize arrows. Sesame Street‘s “Big Bird” costume is made of turkey feathers. Most turkey feathers are composted. Wild turkeys spend the night in trees, they especially like oak trees. Turkeys can have heart attacks, While the United States Air Force was doing test that broke the sound barrier…nearby turkeys dropped dead. Commercial breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so large that the turkeys fall over.
Aries: Thanksgiving dinner you stuff yourself and settle in to watch the game, but are ready to jump into action when your current paramour invites you play a game of nude touch ball. You finally are invited to sit at the “adult” table but your young cousins and their hottie friends are parting at the kiddy table. In the parade you are the opening leader of the marching band where you show off your shiny horn sucking and blowing it loudly.
Taurus: Thanksgiving dinner carving up the meat is your job …yet be careful that you don’t slice yourself too thin and end up not having enough to go all around. You sit next to your mom’s third cousin who spits food while he speaks and releases enough gas to light the stove but you suffer through cause he the dude with the kind bud. In the parade you do 30 hours of community service for a little mistake you packed in your briefcase… you’re assigned to clean up after the Clydesdale horses.
Gemini: Thanksgiving dinner you’re having a spirited conversation with yourself on the pros and cons of yams when your father gets up, smacks you on the back of your head and says it’s rude to talk with your mouth full. You’re not sitting next to anyone because there aren’t enough seats so you hold your plate and hover around the table like a satellite around the earth. In the parade you’re in the crowd near the announcer’s microphone where your idle chatter disrupts the announcer forcing him to ask you to kindly shut the fuck up.
Cancer: Thanksgiving dinner you’ve set an insane table, cooked a rock star dinner, your guest are having the most amazing time…that is until someone finds a condom in the pumpkin pie. You sit next to your new flame keeping a watchful eye on your horny aunt who tried to stick her tongue down and dry hump the date you had last year. At the parade you’re responsible for holding onto the Snoopy balloon float but when some kid shoots spit balls at you, you drop your line making the rest if the crew float into the air.
Leo: Thanksgiving dinner you hired a calligrapher to write the invites, reserved the best caterer, and told the hired help to set the table…now all you have to do is put your drumsticks up and let the gravy flow. You sit next to your wealthy great auntie and compassionately discuss her bunions surgery in hopes that she will keep you in the will after you accident’s told her son that he was adopted. At the parade you’re the host of a public access show covering scary marching midgets, in your mind you’re hosting Extra.
Virgo: Thanksgiving dinner you are eager to help set up, clean and serve but your lover gets pissed expressing that you never do that at home or in bed. You sit next to the kitchen door, not only do you take on maid duties you have an eye out to take on the maid. At the parade you’re the volunteer float organizer who stayed up too late the night before color coding your underwear drawer, unexpected you star in the parade because you fell asleep on the Santa’s Sleigh.
Libra: Thanksgiving dinner you feel the need to surround yourself with lots of love…so you invite some old flames over to your feast where you end up being the main course. You sit next to a ex-lover, sparks romantically rekindle as you reach for the same piece of meat, however when they start playing footsie with your father you remember why you ended the relationship. In the parade you are the fresh hot nuts vendor who not only turns a tidy profit but makes a personal sale to someone who wants to truly find out how fresh they are.
Scorpio: Thanksgiving dinner you play with your pop up self timer, until it breaks. Now you can’t get your pop up back up and your guest leaves hungry. No more self basting for you. You sit next to your grandfather and drink an entire bottle of wine while he recounts stories of the D-Day invasion. As he gets to the riveting conclusion of his story, you projectile vomit into his lap. At the parade you find yourself in jail by making the mistake of putting the wrong type of snow up your nose in front of an undercover officer.
Sagittarius: Thanksgiving dinner with many invites to many places, you’re forced to rate invitations by wealth of the host and opt to dine at the one with the biggest portfolio. You sit next to a Minister feeling the need to pour yourself out in confession; unfortunately he stops you mid-sentence explaining that he is leaving the church for a gay lover. At the parade you wander off to find a bathroom and once inside you see your brother-in-law pulling a George Michael.
Capricorn: Thanksgiving dinner you’ve designed everything to the tee and timed to the second, unfortunately you forgot to wind your watch and dinner burnt. You dash to El Pollo Loco in hopes of fooling guest with a traditional Mexican Thanksgiving. You sit next to the family pet because you thought it would be cool to bring a stripper to your parent’s and your father thought it would be cool for you to leave. At the parade you are the cop that keeps the crowd orderly yet you stop to use your night stick on some cute young thang.
Aquarius: Thanksgiving dinner you preach the gospel of love and nonviolence in hopes of making the world a better place, but no one cares, they tell you to stuff it and pass the mashed potatoes. You sit next to your aunt who weighs 300 pounds, fork in hand she tells you about her vacation to a nudist colony where you leave the table quickly. At the parade, you skip the parade and hold a demonstration for The Turkey Right to Life Foundation.
Pisces: Thanksgiving dinner you’re put in charge of the entertainment where you hire the Puppetry of the Penis people which causes your granny to choke on a bone and you have to perform the Heimlich. You sit next to your nerdy uncle who informs you that getting three strikes in a row when bowling is called a turkey…You smile and fantasize of taking a strike at him. At the parade you camp out to be the first there, but when the crowds start to arrive… you’re ready to leave.
12/03 PSYCHIC FRIENDS
For those of you who believe in Psychic Friends, I suggest you take a shopping trip to your nearest Target store and purchase yourself a sweatshirt, because you my friend are being fleeced. Dionne and her entourage (who are no longer in biz) are really not your friends, but your dollars sure are! In the early 90’s Psychic Friends Network raked in a whopping 125 million dollars, breeding a whole slew of competitors that by the mid 90’s charged 640 million dollars on its users phone bills. By the year 2000 they banked an estimated 2 billion, which means a whole lot of you bought a whole lot of bullshit. So the question is did any of their faceless call takers in housecoats, curlers and shabby underwear actually decided your destiny? You’ll have to let me know. In fact for those of you who feel inclined to throw away vast quantities of cash, I’ll just give you my P.O.Box and you can send it to me, then I will be your friend too.
Aries: How you make friends: Life of the party, you meet everyone at every party, but friendship is trickier. You make many connections but are cautious of who becomes an intimate. How you treat your friends: A needy leader of the pack, you have a hard time taking the backseat. You have been known to push the outer limits of your others. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be a loud mouth at the Central Perk who tried to pick up Rachel and ended up punching Ross.
Taurus: How you make friends: You are the hunter, gatherer and collector. When you meet someone that you find interesting, attractive, or that can be of benefit down the line, you add them to your vast collection. How you treat your friends: You like to share the pleasures of life. You teach your friends about food, wine, art and even sex. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: befriend the untalented Phoebe, considering yourself a patron of the arts–you never know. one day she might just hit it big.
Gemini: How you make friends: You are blessed with the natural gift of gab, which makes it easy for you to meet and make many friends. How you treat your friends: You shine your brightness and light on those in your circle. You love to pick the brains of others in order to add their information to your own personal hard drive. Guest starring on Friends: You’d find yourself having an intellectual conversation with Ross about the evolution of man and his penis.
Cancer: How you make friends: People are magnetically drawn to you, yet you are particular about who you let stick to your fridge. If you like someone who doesn’t like you, you blame it on the stars not being aligned. How you treat friends: Your true friendships are long lasting and survive the tests of time. Although going out is always appealing, you like to hang at your fully stocked crib. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: gravitate towards Joey or Chandler because you like having cute friends to play with.
Leo: How you make friends: Always the center of attention, its impossible for others not to notice, be attracted to, and want to be your friend. How you treat friends: You have friendships from birth, and maintain them seemingly without effort. You are the one who makes the plans, makes the calls and makes sure everyone is coming to the party. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: think the series is all about you, so you take over, take charge and change the name of the show to My Friends.
Virgo: How you make friends: This can be a difficult task for you, being that you tend to be picky, and somewhat critical of yourself. You tend to treat others the same way. How your treat friends: You cater to your friends as a way of deriving your own pleasure. You are born to serve and your friends look to you to clean up their messes. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: be Emma’s baby sitter who tries to help Rachael and Ross get back and stay together.
Libra: How you make friends: You love people and people love you. You are an adept at continually expanding your Rolodex. How you treat friends: You love your friends and fight till the death for them because they are your family. You keep your friends close, sometimes too, which forces them to take a breather, but they always come back for more. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: be best friends with the entire cast, except none of them would know about each other’s status.
Scorpio: How you make friends: You are serious and go about making mates by probing with your mind and other body parts. How you treat friends: You make sure that you have a say at the beginning and end of every meeting. For you there is no gray, only black and white, friend or foe, stinger in or out. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be Ross’s therapist who picks and prods him trying to get all the juicy details of his sex life with his lesbian ex-wife.
Sagittarius: How you make friends: You wander the world in search of knowledge, experiences and personalities. You make friends with anyone who’s at the top of their field or game. How you treat friends: Deep and meaningful, your friendships revolve around your search for the meaning of life. Guest starring on Friends: You’d get stoned with Phoebe and contemplate the mysteries of the universe while she would contemplate the lint that accumulates in peoples belly buttons.
Capricorn: How you make friends: Always diligent with your energy focused on work, you find it hard to make time to meet others. When you put some effort into it you take the business approach and strategize how to achieve the best caliber of buds. How you treat friends: You are pragmatic and analytical so your stubborn side likes to get in your way in all aspects of life including with your friends. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be buddies with Monica because you love how obsessively she is at keeping her apartment clean.
Aquarius: How you make friends: Always looking to make the world a better place you can make friends with anyone, anywhere, at any time. How you treat friends: You lead your friends towards humanitarian and philanthropic causes. You are the influential visionary of your sphere. Guest starring on Friends: You’d hold a sit-in for peace on earth and good will toward men with the entire cast, unfortunately Joey thinks this means he must turn bisexual and freaks out.
Pisces: How you make friends: Just like a fish that travels in a schools and so do you. You make friends very easily, but keeping them is another story. How you treat friends: Most of your friendships float in the shallow end of the water because you are emotionally secretive. You keep your fins up not allowing others to get too close. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be confused weather to be friends with Chandler or Joey, no, maybe Monica, no, Ross, never mind you’d rather be alone.