I’ve been in training my entire life to write this. In fact, my very mortal existence just may be about unveiling the following unto the consciousness of man. By the time this has gone to press, God himself may have come down and granted me a pass off this planet with immunity from reincarnating ever again. (Yes, psychic and psychotic are quite a bizarre dichotomy but we’ll save that crux for some other month.) For now join me for some enlightening psychic education about the art of dressing.

The founder of Alcoholics Anonymous was a Spiritualist that believed in mediums. I need to send a psychic message requesting that he inspire his predecessors to start addiction to cable TV meetings. I hate that I get so sucked in to those True Hollywood Celebrity and Behind the Music stories. The only thing that can get me to change the channel is the Sunday night brilliance on HBO where for a few hours the fashions are oh so fabulous and I am transported to somewhere that seems very far away from here. Far away from the diet gurus of the famous on Extra preaching: “You are what you eat.” Well this energy expert says they got it wrong. “You are what you wear.”

To back up what I have here confessed, off I go browsing through my personal recollections of spiritual study notes and psychic insights. Tucked away in my “very important – do not forget” file I find the following fact: When you die, you are remembered not for your intentions, but for what you actually do. Wow. And just like a press pass holding photographer’s flash bulbs exploding on the red carpet at some cheesy star studded awards show, Melissa Rivers is screeching, “How could she wear that?..No Golden Hanger for her!” I download from above a whole new awareness of why we are a culture obsessed with the clothe.

Before we go further I should first explain my self-proclaimed expertness. I have long been a member of the Church of Fashionistas. Named after my grandfather who started our family business of clothing and shoe stores over four decades ago, it’s encoded in my DNA. The first family vacation I remember was to Disneyland. But, before I could meet Mickey I had to accompany my parents to a shoe show. To this day my fond memories of see-through six inch platforms with live goldfish swimming around in the heels surpass all the E ticket rides I have ever been on put together. I grew up with a mother who wrote me notes to miss school just so we could go shopping. I became a fashion designer. My life was all planned out untill my psychic side work over took my design work and my destiny was sewn. Hence, ENOUGH about me. I assure you there is something to the sales pitch here.

For every time you have ever formed an opinion of another based on their appearance, you now can re-contemplate exactly how superficial you were being. I’m not saying that you are here by granted karmic free permission to come up with unjustified assumptions of others. Yet, how you display yourself for the world to see, is the very manifestation of your creative energy which basically translates the energy vibration of YOU. Get my vibe yet?

Let’s investigate why one feels like a million bucks in Gucci, easygoing in Gap, and poor white trash in (all I could think of was MC Hammer pants, but I’d hate to insult anyone so please enter your own idea of white trash here.) Have you ever wondered why vintage shopping can leave you feeling funky or why your lucky shirt is so lucky? Because as Einstein figured out, everything is energy. Unfortunately that means there is much more lurking in that second hand leather jacket than just a bad case of B.O. Scary huh. Just as when two people enter into a relationship their energies start to merge together and over time the two become more and more one. The same goes for your wardrobe. Since like attracts like, your lucky shirt attracts the same until you experience something not so lucky while wearing it. The next time you do, it doesn’t feel that lucky anymore and the affair has run its course. You decide to ditch the shirt, donate it to Goodwill and the shirt takes on an afterlife all its own.

For all of the clothes hanging in your closet that you’ll never wear but can not find the will to throw away. You are hereby justified in feeling attached to an extension of yourself. I know I’ve had judgement passed off on me been for saying no to loaning out a garment from my cherished collection. You bet it’s personal. You couldn’t even begin to put a price on my psychic shopping skills. I have shopped long and hard hours, we’re talking blood, sweat and tears here. So to let you take the credit for looking absolutely amazing in one of my finds would be like loaning out a piece of my soul. It’s hard enough to find a guy I’m excited about exchanging energy with – so forgive me if I keep this relationship all to myself.

The truth is we are all psychic. Whether you are in touch with it or running from it. Your creative expression on any form is not perpendicular, but parallel to your spiritual path how ever you choose to create yourself. You don’t have to sculpt a Michelangelo, or paint a Monet. You can bring your creative energy into being by being the best damn window washer downtown as long as you dig what you do and look damn good doing it!

Finally, getting back to my original point. That person crossing the street sneaking a peak isn’t just checking out what your wearing, they’re reading you on way more than just the surface level. So get dressed, go out and set a new trend today. Whereupon your day, your week, your entire life could turn out much different than predicted. All due to what you have put on you.

Aries: You set trends, make fur and flip-flops work together and glam out in black and Gucci.

Taurus: You spend to look good, skip trending, do classic tailored looks in neutral colors.

Gemini: You experiment, take looks over label, adorn your wrists and like your closet messy.

Cancer: You attach to comfort, jewelry, the color green, and clothes that mix well with sand.

Leo: Bold and flashy, you choose appearance over comfort, and claim victory in Versace.

Virgo: You perfect simplicity, lean toward the conservative, the traditional and fall into the Gap.

Libra: A fashion crisis curer, you love shopping, it shows, don’t care about price, are Armanified.

Scorpio: Master of disguise no slave to fashion, you dress romantic and do undergarments well.

Sagittarius: You dress for yourself over others, wearing what you like until it till it’s no longer wearable.

Capricorn: You stylize practical, classical, bargain hunt, accessory splurge and wear a cell phone.

Aquarius: You change your hair color, like thrift stores, turquoise, anklets, sandals, and nakedness.

Pieces: Attracted to glimmer objects, you’re a chameleon, bargain, thrift shopper, who digs shoes.

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Originally Published Feb 02
by Jusstine Kenzer

To all of those who believe the answer to finding true love lies hidden in some mysterious, psychic secret, I have a special valentine for you. In doing this psychic thing that I do, I have looked at a gazillion questions and or situations concerning every kind of love your little heart could imagine. So as my Hallmark-hyped holiday gift, I’m sharing my cherished top-ten insights on creating relationships. Warning: You may wish to check your consciousness right about now. If you are not in the market for a shift, this is a good time to turn the page and continue onward with whatever level of illusion works for you.

Contrary to what one may believe:

10. Destiny is not set in stone.

9. Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean you are supposed to have relations with him, her or it.

8. Soul mate seekers beware, if and when you do find your other half, don’t be shocked when the honeymoon is over and karmic issues rear their ugly head causing you to dislike each other very much. (Relax you do get to spend forever together, one day.)

7. No one up above has sprinkled moon dust on anyone’s hair, nor prepicked who’s supposed to end up whit whom. You’re all on your own free will kids.

6. True, everything does happen for a reason but sometimes the reason is that someone was not paying attention nor taking responsibility for how their actions affected others.

5. The one and only thing you can control in this existence is you. Meaning there is no spell that you can cast that to make someone falling love with you.
4. If you are continually attracted to the unavailable, inventory your own personality and look for the parts of you that are not obtainable.

3. Being in an “open” relationship, no matter what enlightened- new-age-bullshit excuse you use, is a total diversion from the fact that you should not be in a relationship at all.

2.Like attracts like. So you might want to take a gander at your expectation list, go within and explore if you yourself are toting around the qualities you are questing for in another.

1. The “secret” to make a relationship work is two people caring about each other so much that they choose to make it work over choosing anything else, period.

originally published Sept 2002 in Flaunt Magazine
Decorating Your Space
by: Jusstine Kenzer

Have you ever walked into a room and felt peculiarly uncomfortable? Not necessarily due to who was in the room, but what was in there. Say your friend invites you over for a cocktail and some deep profound conversing. You’re in the midst of negotiating how the two of you alone can solve world peace, yet you find yourself distracted. From where you are sitting you are forced to stare at this painting that is hanging crooked on the wall. At this point world peace is going to have to be put on hold because for now your only thoughts are about straightening out the art work.

Your home represents much more than where you live and provides more than just a roof over your head. You can get a good idea of what’s going on inside of you by the house you keep. Are you a (perfectionist) neat freak who’s under ware drawer looks like Victoria’s secret retail? Do you keep your visible quarters orderly, yet (afraid to let others really see you) your closet is in constant chaos? Or perhaps you are a tad messy with your belongings spread out all over, but you know exactly where that very thing you (control freak) are looking for is?

Your habitat can be your own personal heaven or hell, by paying more attention to the most important relationship you have, the one with you. Think of it like this; just as your physical body temporarily houses your spirit, the address you dwell at becomes the sanctuary in which you pray at. (However, let’s replace the word pray with live.) Obviously what you wish to do with your space is all up to you. As in any situation, awareness is the key. The more comfortable you become in your sanctuary, the more in touch you can become with you and the closer you can be on your path toward creating the life that you desire.

As I have continually preached in this column, we all have a psychic sense whether we are in touch with it or not. Because of this we are unconsciously sensing the energies around us all of the time. Believe it or not, the colors you paint your walls, where you put your furniture, and how you decorate your dwelling all effect you on a daily basis.

Those of you with sleeping disorders who pop pills just to get some shut-eye, might find a cure by simply moving your bed. Energetically it is best for us to sleep with the crown of our head toward the East, but in reality, only you can find what personally works best. Perform your own experiment by moving your bed around in different directions and locations (in your bedroom) to discover which provides the most satisfying sleep for you. It might take some muscle and a few attempts to find the right spot, but I assure you that tranquil sleep is well worth a little effort.

Some years back the headquarters of the Bank of China in Hong Kong caused a little legendary stir. They constructed an angular high-rise designed with sharp shiny corners that in the practice of Feng Shui created a threatening discomfort to it’s surrounding competitors. Business people in the area complained that the building was deliberately designed against them and sought consult of their own Feng Shui masters to then combat the bad energy being directed toward them. Low and behold, the area soon recovered from the draining energies felt from the building. Life returned back to it’s original state of peace of prosperity there and thus began the now growing popularity of Feng Shui.

I am not going to attempt to teach you the art of Shuing your Feng here. There are plenty of books and professionals out there that you can consult for that. However, we are going to take a peak at how you decorate your space and see what additions you can make to have a happy home and an even happier you.

ARIES decorating style is: Ultra-modern and avant-garde, designer sheets, red, metals, gadgets, and fireplaces. Your home benefits by adding: An aromatherapy oil diffuser to keep your place smelling like a spa.

TAURUS decorating style is: Big and bold, feel over look, natural materials, Baroque, brocade, flowers, and pillows. Your home benefits by adding: A Bonzai Tree to connect you with and represent the Tree of Life.

GEMINI decorating style is: Trendy and spacious, bright, saturated color hues, things in twos, stocked for guests and parties. Your home benefits by adding: A meditation area with shrine to center yourself and find the deeper you.

CANCER decorating style is: Shabby-chic, antique, picture frames, watercolors and garden accessories. Your home benefits by adding: A whirlpool for your tub so you can take a long soak after you’ve been crabby.

LEO decorating style is: Luxurious, sophisticated, one of a kind pieces, velvet drapes, leather couches, sunset colors. Your home benefits by adding: A padded toilet seat so you can truly be the king of your own thrown.

VIRGO decorating style is: Orderly, eastern, earthy, horticulture, dried flowers, handmade crafts, and a home office. Your home benefits by adding: A statue of the Ganesh to bring you good luck and fortune.

LIBRA decorating style is: Soft, sophisticated, bright, crystal vases, pastoral art, pink, and things in pairs. Your home benefits by adding: A canopy above your bed to keep you and your dream space protected.

SCORPIO decorating style is: Hidden spaces, reflective finishes, tapestries, wall sconces, antiques, and novelty collections. Your home benefits by adding: A Quan Yin goddess statue to bring you compassion and understanding.

SAGITTARIUS decorating style is: Multiculturalism, Italian designs, marble, candles, tubs, picture windows. Your home benefits by adding: A piece of religious art to give you some spiritually inclined culture.

CAPRICORN decorating style is: Traditional, understated, timepieces, faux painting, exposed brick, and stone. Your home benefits by adding: A Zen sand and rock garden to connect you to the East and the earth.

AQUARIUS decorating style is: Eclectic, futuristic, high-tech, white, metallic colors, gadgets, lofts and balconies. Your home benefits by adding: A telescope so you can visually venture out into the starry heavens.

PISCES decorating style is: Mixing over matching, fluid, round objects, curved lines, blues, greens and water fountains. Your home benefits by adding: A Tropical fish tank to connect you to your element and your siblings.

Some random, spiritual and ecology turkey facts: Turkeys have been around for ten million years. Their heads change colors when they get excited. Their feathers were used by Native Americans to stabilize arrows. Sesame Street‘s “Big Bird” costume is made of turkey feathers. Most turkey feathers are composted. Wild turkeys spend the night in trees, they especially like oak trees. Turkeys can have heart attacks, While the United States Air Force was doing test that broke the sound barrier…nearby turkeys dropped dead. Commercial breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so large that the turkeys fall over.

Aries: Thanksgiving dinner you stuff yourself and settle in to watch the game, but are ready to jump into action when your current paramour invites you play a game of nude touch ball. You finally are invited to sit at the “adult” table but your young cousins and their hottie friends are parting at the kiddy table. In the parade you are the opening leader of the marching band where you show off your shiny horn sucking and blowing it loudly.

Taurus: Thanksgiving dinner carving up the meat is your job …yet be careful that you don’t slice yourself too thin and end up not having enough to go all around. You sit next to your mom’s third cousin who spits food while he speaks and releases enough gas to light the stove but you suffer through cause he the dude with the kind bud. In the parade you do 30 hours of community service for a little mistake you packed in your briefcase… you’re assigned to clean up after the Clydesdale horses.

Gemini: Thanksgiving dinner you’re having a spirited conversation with yourself on the pros and cons of yams when your father gets up, smacks you on the back of your head and says it’s rude to talk with your mouth full. You’re not sitting next to anyone because there aren’t enough seats so you hold your plate and hover around the table like a satellite around the earth. In the parade you’re in the crowd near the announcer’s microphone where your idle chatter disrupts the announcer forcing him to ask you to kindly shut the fuck up.

Cancer: Thanksgiving dinner you’ve set an insane table, cooked a rock star dinner, your guest are having the most amazing time…that is until someone finds a condom in the pumpkin pie. You sit next to your new flame keeping a watchful eye on your horny aunt who tried to stick her tongue down and dry hump the date you had last year. At the parade you’re responsible for holding onto the Snoopy balloon float but when some kid shoots spit balls at you, you drop your line making the rest if the crew float into the air.

Leo: Thanksgiving dinner you hired a calligrapher to write the invites, reserved the best caterer, and told the hired help to set the table…now all you have to do is put your drumsticks up and let the gravy flow. You sit next to your wealthy great auntie and compassionately discuss her bunions surgery in hopes that she will keep you in the will after you accident’s told her son that he was adopted. At the parade you’re the host of a public access show covering scary marching midgets, in your mind you’re hosting Extra.

Virgo: Thanksgiving dinner you are eager to help set up, clean and serve but your lover gets pissed expressing that you never do that at home or in bed. You sit next to the kitchen door, not only do you take on maid duties you have an eye out to take on the maid. At the parade you’re the volunteer float organizer who stayed up too late the night before color coding your underwear drawer, unexpected you star in the parade because you fell asleep on the Santa’s Sleigh.

Libra: Thanksgiving dinner you feel the need to surround yourself with lots of love…so you invite some old flames over to your feast where you end up being the main course. You sit next to a ex-lover, sparks romantically rekindle as you reach for the same piece of meat, however when they start playing footsie with your father you remember why you ended the relationship. In the parade you are the fresh hot nuts vendor who not only turns a tidy profit but makes a personal sale to someone who wants to truly find out how fresh they are.

Scorpio: Thanksgiving dinner you play with your pop up self timer, until it breaks. Now you can’t get your pop up back up and your guest leaves hungry. No more self basting for you. You sit next to your grandfather and drink an entire bottle of wine while he recounts stories of the D-Day invasion. As he gets to the riveting conclusion of his story, you projectile vomit into his lap. At the parade you find yourself in jail by making the mistake of putting the wrong type of snow up your nose in front of an undercover officer.

Sagittarius: Thanksgiving dinner with many invites to many places, you’re forced to rate invitations by wealth of the host and opt to dine at the one with the biggest portfolio. You sit next to a Minister feeling the need to pour yourself out in confession; unfortunately he stops you mid-sentence explaining that he is leaving the church for a gay lover. At the parade you wander off to find a bathroom and once inside you see your brother-in-law pulling a George Michael.

Capricorn: Thanksgiving dinner you’ve designed everything to the tee and timed to the second, unfortunately you forgot to wind your watch and dinner burnt. You dash to El Pollo Loco in hopes of fooling guest with a traditional Mexican Thanksgiving. You sit next to the family pet because you thought it would be cool to bring a stripper to your parent’s and your father thought it would be cool for you to leave. At the parade you are the cop that keeps the crowd orderly yet you stop to use your night stick on some cute young thang.

Aquarius: Thanksgiving dinner you preach the gospel of love and nonviolence in hopes of making the world a better place, but no one cares, they tell you to stuff it and pass the mashed potatoes. You sit next to your aunt who weighs 300 pounds, fork in hand she tells you about her vacation to a nudist colony where you leave the table quickly. At the parade, you skip the parade and hold a demonstration for The Turkey Right to Life Foundation.

Pisces: Thanksgiving dinner you’re put in charge of the entertainment where you hire the Puppetry of the Penis people which causes your granny to choke on a bone and you have to perform the Heimlich. You sit next to your nerdy uncle who informs you that getting three strikes in a row when bowling is called a turkey…You smile and fantasize of taking a strike at him. At the parade you camp out to be the first there, but when the crowds start to arrive… you’re ready to leave.

You might think that Halloween would be a favorite holiday for someone in my occupation. However, even as a child the notion of getting in some goofy get up and begging door to door for candy from strangers, was a concept that totally baffled me.

I suppose you could say I was a confused child to begin with. If someone could have given me a heads up that being a super sensitive freak of nature would eventually turn out to be a great endowment, oh the years of heartache it could have saved me. Instead, for most of my youth I was an easy target for other kids to taunt and tease without it even being Halloween. Little did I know that way down the road this holiday that I hated would end up being a major pivotal point in my life.

To add further disorientation to my upbringing, my parents for who knows what reasoning didn’t find it necessary to give out sweets. When it came to doling out the Halloween treats they gave out money, change to be exact. My dad would bring home rolls of coins from our shoe store and my mom would put them in a serving dish. I really don’t think they thought this out too well, because frighteningly I can remember swallowing a few, yes coins, not candy. (I know, I already said I was a confused child, but what kid don’t you know who unintentionally ended up with a coin in their colon, up their nose or in their ear?) So when the bell rang and the door opened, by the look on some of the neighborhood kid’s faces, I think they momentarily became as confused as I. Yet, when they went home that evening and checked out all that they had scored, they were some odd cents richer thanks to the strange family that handed out currency instead of candy.

I try to explain to people that visiting a psychic is like having unprotected sex or having plastic surgery. You want to be damn sure you know exactly who you are going to be sharing your energy with. I’m going to let you in on a huge secret here. You see, when I got my very first “psychic” reading, my roommates dragged me to an outdoor Reggae Fest where we each took turns sitting in front of a gypsy who read our fortunes. She predicted that I was going to drop everything and move to San Francisco. Being a fashion design student in Los Angeles with a 4.0, two years left to go and my entire life completely planned out since the ninth grade, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “ this woman is clueless.”

I don’t know what is more pathetic, the fact that I went to the gypsy in the first place or that I ended up dropping everything and moving to San Francisco for a guy. Either way, what she predicted had come true. So when my illusionary fantasy about the boy ended in painstaking heartbreak, it was time for another “reading.” I went in search of more psychic insight and here is where the story gets really scary. I was the one who didn’t have a clue. I happened upon a gypsy who, surprise, surprise, turned out to be a charlatan thief. She worked some hocus pocus black magic, freaked me the fuck out and ended up taking me for many pretty pennies.

As much time passed and I awakened to the realization that I had sadly been had, missy gypsy was soon to find out that she messed with the wrong girl. It didn’t take much to track her swindler-self down, although she was now operating out of a different location. Equipped with a big bad buff male friend, we confronted her and demanded back every cent I had forked over. Can you believe she gave it back? Not without of course informing me that she was “giving the money back, not because I threatened to go to the police, but rather because God wanted me to have it back.” Whatever the case, I considered myself to have something or someone more than luck on my side.

My quest for guidance lead me down the very long path of finding my own psychicness. After a few years of training, my first professional gig of putting myself out there as a real deal psychic was at a Halloween theme park where I read, six nights a week for an entire month. On the very first evening, my very first reading, was not just one person but an entire family of guess what? Suspense, suspense… gypsies. I was a bit uncomfortable as they crowded around me in a way that lead me to wonder if I was about to be mobbed. As I asked what I could answer for them, they stated that they wanted to ask about the well being of a friend. I immediately was shown that the person they were asking about had passed into spirit. I also was shown that these gypsies were testing me to see how genuine I was. I carefully explained that from my perspective, it looked as if this person was no longer living in the physical body.

What happen next was the experience that altered the rest of my life. The gypsies seemed to express an utter amazement over my ability to see what I saw. I must have passed their test because they all got individual readings from me. Although this family had no relation to the crooked woman who initially took me for my first psychic reading ride, this incident seemed somehow to bring me karmically full circle. I knew right then and there that this psychic healing thing would not just be my hobby, it was going to be my life. And that was fourteen Halloweens ago.

Halloween comes from the designated time Hollowed Eve. A day way back when that was originally set aside by the Christian Church to commemorate all the Saints who were not remembered on any other day. It seems that this once sacred occasion has now turned into a wet-t-shirt contest to see who can hold the grandest out of body festival. Still ranking as my least favorite holiday, I am amazed that people spend months and months preparing to look as outlandish as they can possibly be. They actually look forward to running amok and intermingling energies with thousands of other spirits in the streets of West Hollywood, Castro or Chelsea. Cheers to them. As for me I’ll be staying in my body, safely tucked away in the comfort of my own home waiting for the night to be over.

ARIES costume choices: Actor, Fashion Designer, Police Officer.

TAURUS costume choices: Banker, Pirate, Prince, Princess.

GEMINI costume choices: Astronaut, Doctor Evil, Favorite Super Hero.

CANCER costume choices: Ghost, Jailbird, Prostitute, Scarecrow.

LEO costume choices: Devil, President, Movie Producer, Uncle Sam.

VIRGO costume choices: Athlete, Cult leader, Jesus, Rock Star.

LIBRA costume choices: Race Car Driver, Witch, Vampire, Zombie.

SCORPIO costume choices: American Indian, Doctor, Ghost, Nurse.

SAGITTARIUS costume choices: Angel, Cupid, Tourist, Favorite Animal.

CAPRICORN costume choices: Austin Powers, Cinderella, Playboy Bunny.

AQUARIUS costume choices: Adam, Eve, Hippie, Statue of Liberty.

PISCES costume choices: Alien, Cheerleader, Hippy, Psychic.