FLAUNT MARCH 03
SPRING CLEANSING

You know those people who can eat and drink anything they want and never gain an ounce? I hate them. Okay I don’t actually hate them, but envy, I admit to that. Taking a gander at my peers, it appears that the clairvoyant standard package comes equipped with one defect. If you are blessed with the psychic reader gene, you somehow get passed over when they hand out the have an amazing body gene. Oh boy how lucky for me.

I don’t mean to sound bitter or complaining. I completely understand that with being psychic I need to have a body that is able to handle a lot of energy, which pretty much equals having a lot of body. (Again, woohoo for me.) I swear before I leave this planet I am going to conquer and win this battle with my body once and for all.

Being madly in like with someone who loves to party does wonders for ones waistline…NOT. So here I am a few months into my happy new relationship. I’m having the time of my life going out being wined and dined every night by my fabulous groovy man. When one morning I awoke with an all too familiar haze of head aching and hangovering. I made my way out of bed and nakedly stumbled over to the mirror where I could barely recognize the puffy person staring back at me. If my reflection wasn’t giving me the wake up call, my closet was, as I no longer fit into anything I owned.

Looking back, nourishing myself has been an issue. I grew up with a Jewish mother who was a gourmet chef. Every night she would whip up some extravagant feast in her seasoned wok without ever following a recipe. As yummy as it was, most of the time my mother’s pallet was too intense for my taste. I spent many a childhood dinner dissecting what was in front of me, picking out inedible chunks of fresh ginger, bark root or whatever cupboard stuffing and pantry fluff she decided to throw on in. This lead me to crave the most bland food possible. To this day I’ll choose macaroni and cheese over Chili Verde. I suppose in a way I rebelled against my mother by not learning how to cook, which unfortunately turned into not knowing how to feed myself. If one day in the future I am ever in the position of being someone’s mother, I pray that child rebels against me.

So, I have this body trainer friend who for the twelve years plus that I have known him has been trying to get me to do this lemonade diet thing. Maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s called the Master Cleanse. You basically consume nothing but fresh lemon juice, B grade maple syrup, cyanine pepper and water. That’s it, no food. The ingredients have everything you need to cleanse your body while maintaining perfect health. People have been known to stay on it for up to 40 days and even heal ulcers on it. I once saw Mr. pretty George Hamilton on some bad talk show claiming that he does it a few times a year.

With the reality of my situation feeling so incredibly polluted, I couldn’t put another anything unto my oral cavity. I was a walking talking pickled person from all that I had consumed. I needed a dose of divine intervention and this was going to be my liquid magic bullet. Little did my boyfriend know that he was about to lose his partner in dining and drinking crime.

A girlfriend of mine decided to cleanse with me. I was so excited, I started two days earlier than we planned. She crapped out on her first day, yet remarkably I stuck to it. For me the girl who can’t stay on a diet for longer than an hour, this was going to be the most disciplined thing I had ever done in my life. In fact while on the cleanse I went to parties where I watched (italics) everyone else eat and drink. Then just like that, ten whole surprisingly not that horrible days, and two colonics later, I was cleansed!

Speaking of colonics, yes, I know this is a gross subject, but if you’ve ever witnessed the grossness that comes out of you when you get one.. you won’t be able to go another minute without yearning to get one yesterday. Scary is when one discovers that our bodies can house this toxic brewing that is actively stewing within us. It’s a miracle that we can think straight (oh right we don’t always do that) or put our shoes on the right feet while dragging around baby Chernobyls within us. So you see when that gets washed out, our existence is literally a lot less shitty. (Okay I’ll stop with the visuals, but if just one of you decides to make an appointment to go get one after reading this, I’ve done my job here.)

When you do this cleansing thing you start to get pretty high. You start to feel like you are on a different plane of existence than the common folk, who eat and drink that thing you used to know called food. You start to feel so unstoppable that you start philosophizing crazy concepts and making difficult demands such as you’re never going to drink anything alcoholic ever again. You’re only going to consume fresh fruit and vegetable juices daily. You’re never going to smoke. If you’re not a smoker already, you’re not going to hang out around your smoker friends so you don’t pick up their second hand smoke. Why you’re not even going to take an over the counter or prescription drug ever again.

Then when you’re done. You have to deal with the depression of going back to consuming real food again. You start drinking tons of water and chomping on celery…Yet it doesn’t take that long until you find yourself out with your boyfriend in some happening restaurant ordering a glass of Cabernet…and some really well done French fries…starting the whole impure process over again. And that is just the way I like it.

How you cleanse:
ARIES: gets aggravated, irritated, and ornery, but stays on till the bitter end.
TAURUS: checks to see if the coast is clear, then does it without letting anyone know.
GEMINI: tries to cleanse by day, but end up parting by night.
CANCER: attempts to, but makes a ruckus, then blames someone else why they can’t.
LEO: announces on stage that they are going on hiatus to cleanse.
VIRGO: is the expert who has cleansed many times before but insists that it’s the first time.
LIBRA: spends all day looking in the mirror to see their progress.
SCORPIO: does it to increase their kundilini energy.
SAGITTARIUS: starts while taking up residence in a tree that’s about to be cut down.
CAPRICORN: over analyses the whole ordeal, never finding the time or space putting it off until tomorrow.
AQUARIUS: is so well organized that they diary each trip to the bathroom in detail.
PISCES: first figures out what it is, then questions if it’s beneficial.. In other words never does.