Originally published in FLAUNT Magazine NOV 2003
TALKING TURKEY

Some random, spiritual and ecology turkey facts: Turkeys have been around for ten million years. Their heads change colors when they get excited. Their feathers were used by Native Americans to stabilize arrows. Sesame Street‘s “Big Bird” costume is made of turkey feathers. Most turkey feathers are composted. Wild turkeys spend the night in trees, they especially like oak trees. Turkeys can have heart attacks, While the United States Air Force was doing test that broke the sound barrier…nearby turkeys dropped dead. Commercial breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so large that the turkeys fall over.

Aries: Thanksgiving dinner you stuff yourself and settle in to watch the game, but are ready to jump into action when your current paramour invites you play a game of nude touch ball. You finally are invited to sit at the “adult” table but your young cousins and their hottie friends are parting at the kiddy table. In the parade you are the opening leader of the marching band where you show off your shiny horn sucking and blowing it loudly.

Taurus: Thanksgiving dinner carving up the meat is your job …yet be careful that you don’t slice yourself too thin and end up not having enough to go all around. You sit next to your mom’s third cousin who spits food while he speaks and releases enough gas to light the stove but you suffer through cause he the dude with the kind bud. In the parade you do 30 hours of community service for a little mistake you packed in your briefcase… you’re assigned to clean up after the Clydesdale horses.

Gemini: Thanksgiving dinner you’re having a spirited conversation with yourself on the pros and cons of yams when your father gets up, smacks you on the back of your head and says it’s rude to talk with your mouth full. You’re not sitting next to anyone because there aren’t enough seats so you hold your plate and hover around the table like a satellite around the earth. In the parade you’re in the crowd near the announcer’s microphone where your idle chatter disrupts the announcer forcing him to ask you to kindly shut the fuck up.

Cancer: Thanksgiving dinner you’ve set an insane table, cooked a rock star dinner, your guest are having the most amazing time…that is until someone finds a condom in the pumpkin pie. You sit next to your new flame keeping a watchful eye on your horny aunt who tried to stick her tongue down and dry hump the date you had last year. At the parade you’re responsible for holding onto the Snoopy balloon float but when some kid shoots spit balls at you, you drop your line making the rest if the crew float into the air.

Leo: Thanksgiving dinner you hired a calligrapher to write the invites, reserved the best caterer, and told the hired help to set the table…now all you have to do is put your drumsticks up and let the gravy flow. You sit next to your wealthy great auntie and compassionately discuss her bunions surgery in hopes that she will keep you in the will after you accident’s told her son that he was adopted. At the parade you’re the host of a public access show covering scary marching midgets, in your mind you’re hosting Extra.

Virgo: Thanksgiving dinner you are eager to help set up, clean and serve but your lover gets pissed expressing that you never do that at home or in bed. You sit next to the kitchen door, not only do you take on maid duties you have an eye out to take on the maid. At the parade you’re the volunteer float organizer who stayed up too late the night before color coding your underwear drawer, unexpected you star in the parade because you fell asleep on the Santa’s Sleigh.

Libra: Thanksgiving dinner you feel the need to surround yourself with lots of love…so you invite some old flames over to your feast where you end up being the main course. You sit next to a ex-lover, sparks romantically rekindle as you reach for the same piece of meat, however when they start playing footsie with your father you remember why you ended the relationship. In the parade you are the fresh hot nuts vendor who not only turns a tidy profit but makes a personal sale to someone who wants to truly find out how fresh they are.

Scorpio: Thanksgiving dinner you play with your pop up self timer, until it breaks. Now you can’t get your pop up back up and your guest leaves hungry. No more self basting for you. You sit next to your grandfather and drink an entire bottle of wine while he recounts stories of the D-Day invasion. As he gets to the riveting conclusion of his story, you projectile vomit into his lap. At the parade you find yourself in jail by making the mistake of putting the wrong type of snow up your nose in front of an undercover officer.

Sagittarius: Thanksgiving dinner with many invites to many places, you’re forced to rate invitations by wealth of the host and opt to dine at the one with the biggest portfolio. You sit next to a Minister feeling the need to pour yourself out in confession; unfortunately he stops you mid-sentence explaining that he is leaving the church for a gay lover. At the parade you wander off to find a bathroom and once inside you see your brother-in-law pulling a George Michael.

Capricorn: Thanksgiving dinner you’ve designed everything to the tee and timed to the second, unfortunately you forgot to wind your watch and dinner burnt. You dash to El Pollo Loco in hopes of fooling guest with a traditional Mexican Thanksgiving. You sit next to the family pet because you thought it would be cool to bring a stripper to your parent’s and your father thought it would be cool for you to leave. At the parade you are the cop that keeps the crowd orderly yet you stop to use your night stick on some cute young thang.

Aquarius: Thanksgiving dinner you preach the gospel of love and nonviolence in hopes of making the world a better place, but no one cares, they tell you to stuff it and pass the mashed potatoes. You sit next to your aunt who weighs 300 pounds, fork in hand she tells you about her vacation to a nudist colony where you leave the table quickly. At the parade, you skip the parade and hold a demonstration for The Turkey Right to Life Foundation.

Pisces: Thanksgiving dinner you’re put in charge of the entertainment where you hire the Puppetry of the Penis people which causes your granny to choke on a bone and you have to perform the Heimlich. You sit next to your nerdy uncle who informs you that getting three strikes in a row when bowling is called a turkey…You smile and fantasize of taking a strike at him. At the parade you camp out to be the first there, but when the crowds start to arrive… you’re ready to leave.