Originally published in FLAUNT Magazine Oct 03
Very Superstitious

Ever felt that you had a spell cast on you, or that you’ve jinxed yourself? Ever watched a horror movie and been so freaked you couldn’t get it out of your head? Ghosts, goblins and gory monsters are all scary. But what is even scarier is the uncharted territory of your unconscious mind and the ability is has to play along with you. You see all the superstitions and fears floating around in the universe only have the power to effect you to the degree that you allow them. So, the next time you find yourself tripping over something you think is bigger than life, try the following spiritual magic. Envision a symbol that represents your “scary” thing. Next watch that symbol get smaller and smaller until it becomes a miniscule dot that you can barely see. Then take an imaginary envelope and place your dot inside of it. Now take your dot on a walk to the nearest make believe mail box, open the shoot, say good bye and let it go. Relax knowing that your “scary” thing is now the property of where little kids send letters to Santa ie: the US Postal Service Recovery System and has absolutely no chance of ever finding you again…A trick and a treat!

Aries: How you’re superstitious: You show brave to the public, but once a black cat crosses your path in your pocket and you’ll find a rabbit’s foot, a four leaf clover, and an old fortune predicting money, sex and power. Bump in the night: In the dark you fear no evil and bump deeper into any void you encounter. Scary movie role: Count Dracula, you are the leader of all vampires, and half dead who party with you till the break of dawn.

Taurus: How you’re superstitious: You throw salt over your shoulder in order to ward off bad luck. You fear not being taken seriously and take whatever measures to protect yourself. Bump in the night: You bump your head repeatedly against the headboard in the night, but that’s a small price for the evening’s naughty entertainment. Scary movie role: You are Jason in the Friday the 13th, you know the strong silent murderous type just looking for someone to love.

Gemini: How you’re superstitious: Intellectually you are analytical about anything that reeks of superstition. You rationalize that you don’t walk under ladders because you are too smart. Bump in the night: A natural conversationalist you are an expert with your tongue, in the dark your lover goes bumping throughout the night. Scary movie role: You are both Norman Bates and his Psycho mother, one moment you’re kind and gentle, the next you’re a homicidal maniac.

Cancer: How you’re superstitious: You love your homey hearth finding comfort surrounded by your potions, candles, and books of incantations to ward off evil and stray Jehovah Witnesses. Bump in the night: Having a good memory you know your way around in the dark and only bump into those people’s places you desire. Scary movie role: Boil, toil and trouble you are the Witch behind the cauldron cooking up a nasty brew for any who dares trespass.

Leo: How you’re superstitious: You spend time gazing at your reflection in the mirror, and worry about the seven years of bad luck for throwing that mirror at a past lover. Bump in the night: You vibe enthusiasm and magnetism in the light, in the dark you fantasize about your admirers bumping into one another to spend the night with you. Scary movie: You are the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera wooing your leading lady and killing all who would oppose your carnal desires.

Virgo: How you’re superstitious: Exacting and critical you don’t look at your superstitions as such, to you they are just the things that make you special. Bump in the night: When you bump in the night you have a hard time not getting up and straightening up the place just in case other company might come over and join in. Scary movie role: Born to serve, you’re the dutiful Igor from Frankenstein who is always ready to give the good doctor an eager good hand.

Libra: How you’re superstitious: While you spend your time focused on others your greatest fear and superstition is being buried alive. Not to worry, your friends plan to put a sexy partner in your box with you. Bump in the night: You don’t like being alone, in the dark that feeling only intensifies, so you hold on to your partner and ride out the very bumpy night together. Scary movie role: You are Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, surmising that two heads are better than one.

Scorpio: How you’re superstitious: You see the world in a black and white, it is what it is. Yet, every Friday the 13th you are afraid to leave the house. You call in sick and spend the day in bed. Bump in the night: The probing mind loves the dark where every bump provides a new place to probe. Scary movie role: Always dead serious you are one of the zombies from the film Night of the Living Dead, looking for someone new delicious to eat.

Sagittarius: How you’re superstitious: Free and easy is your life, with knowledge being the key–but when you hear some bad news that happen to a friend your fist is knocking wood. Things that go bump in the night: You love to ponder the meaning of life, in the dark you bump into the origin of life over and over again. Scary movie role: You see yourself as the great philosopher just as the Werewolf did before a full moon changed him into a horny howling beast.

Capricorn: How you’re superstitious: You tend to cross your fingers when you’re hoping for something or someone to happen…while you keep your legs uncrossed just incase it actually does. Bump in the night: You bump your head in the dark against the wall lamp looking for your wallet to pay for your night of bumping. Scary movie role: On the stubborn side and wrapped too tight for your own good, you are The Mummy, and decide you’re going to try bondage.

Aquarius: How you’re superstitious: You confront your superstitions head on, yet you can’t come to grips with the believe that if you touch yourself down there you’ll go blind or grow hairy palms. Bump in the night: Your social conscience for mankind goes out like a light once you’re in the dark, then you bump and grind your way to greater personal good. Scary movie role: Desiring to make the world better, you are Doctor Frankenstein, a little more concentration on the monster and less on your beautiful assistant.

Pisces: How you’re superstitious: You don’t believe in garlic stopping Vampires, but you won’t go walking on a grave for fear you might wake up the dead. Bump in the night: You may be afraid of the dark, but you don’t mind the bumps in the night or for that matter the bumps in the day. Scary movie role: Your secretive nature makes you a perfect Jack in The Shining, because you know that all work and no play makes Jack a very dull Jack.