Originally Published DEC 2003
For those of you who believe in Psychic Friends, I suggest you take a shopping trip to your nearest Target store and purchase yourself a sweatshirt, because you my friend are being fleeced. Dionne and her entourage (who are no longer in biz) are really not your friends, but your dollars sure are! In the early 90′s Psychic Friends Network raked in a whopping 125 million dollars, breeding a whole slew of competitors that by the mid 90′s charged 640 million dollars on its users phone bills. By the year 2000 they banked an estimated 2 billion, which means a whole lot of you bought a whole lot of bullshit. So the question is did any of their faceless call takers in housecoats, curlers and shabby underwear actually decided your destiny? You’ll have to let me know. In fact for those of you who feel inclined to throw away vast quantities of cash, I’ll just give you my P.O.Box and you can send it to me, then I will be your friend too.
Aries: How you make friends: Life of the party, you meet everyone at every party, but friendship is trickier. You make many connections but are cautious of who becomes an intimate. How you treat your friends: A needy leader of the pack, you have a hard time taking the backseat. You have been known to push the outer limits of your others. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be a loud mouth at the Central Perk who tried to pick up Rachel and ended up punching Ross.
Taurus: How you make friends: You are the hunter, gatherer and collector. When you meet someone that you find interesting, attractive, or that can be of benefit down the line, you add them to your vast collection. How you treat your friends: You like to share the pleasures of life. You teach your friends about food, wine, art and even sex. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: befriend the untalented Phoebe, considering yourself a patron of the arts–you never know. one day she might just hit it big.
Gemini: How you make friends: You are blessed with the natural gift of gab, which makes it easy for you to meet and make many friends. How you treat your friends: You shine your brightness and light on those in your circle. You love to pick the brains of others in order to add their information to your own personal hard drive. Guest starring on Friends: You’d find yourself having an intellectual conversation with Ross about the evolution of man and his penis.
Cancer: How you make friends: People are magnetically drawn to you, yet you are particular about who you let stick to your fridge. If you like someone who doesn’t like you, you blame it on the stars not being aligned. How you treat friends: Your true friendships are long lasting and survive the tests of time. Although going out is always appealing, you like to hang at your fully stocked crib. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: gravitate towards Joey or Chandler because you like having cute friends to play with.
Leo: How you make friends: Always the center of attention, its impossible for others not to notice, be attracted to, and want to be your friend. How you treat friends: You have friendships from birth, and maintain them seemingly without effort. You are the one who makes the plans, makes the calls and makes sure everyone is coming to the party. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: think the series is all about you, so you take over, take charge and change the name of the show to My Friends.
Virgo: How you make friends: This can be a difficult task for you, being that you tend to be picky, and somewhat critical of yourself. You tend to treat others the same way. How your treat friends: You cater to your friends as a way of deriving your own pleasure. You are born to serve and your friends look to you to clean up their messes. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: be Emma’s baby sitter who tries to help Rachael and Ross get back and stay together.
Libra: How you make friends: You love people and people love you. You are an adept at continually expanding your Rolodex. How you treat friends: You love your friends and fight till the death for them because they are your family. You keep your friends close, sometimes too, which forces them to take a breather, but they always come back for more. Guest starring on Friends: You’d: be best friends with the entire cast, except none of them would know about each other’s status.
Scorpio: How you make friends: You are serious and go about making mates by probing with your mind and other body parts. How you treat friends: You make sure that you have a say at the beginning and end of every meeting. For you there is no gray, only black and white, friend or foe, stinger in or out. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be Ross’s therapist who picks and prods him trying to get all the juicy details of his sex life with his lesbian ex-wife.
Sagittarius: How you make friends: You wander the world in search of knowledge, experiences and personalities. You make friends with anyone who’s at the top of their field or game. How you treat friends: Deep and meaningful, your friendships revolve around your search for the meaning of life. Guest starring on Friends: You’d get stoned with Phoebe and contemplate the mysteries of the universe while she would contemplate the lint that accumulates in peoples belly buttons.
Capricorn: How you make friends: Always diligent with your energy focused on work, you find it hard to make time to meet others. When you put some effort into it you take the business approach and strategize how to achieve the best caliber of buds. How you treat friends: You are pragmatic and analytical so your stubborn side likes to get in your way in all aspects of life including with your friends. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be buddies with Monica because you love how obsessively she is at keeping her apartment clean.
Aquarius: How you make friends: Always looking to make the world a better place you can make friends with anyone, anywhere, at any time. How you treat friends: You lead your friends towards humanitarian and philanthropic causes. You are the influential visionary of your sphere. Guest starring on Friends: You’d hold a sit-in for peace on earth and good will toward men with the entire cast, unfortunately Joey thinks this means he must turn bisexual and freaks out.
Pisces: How you make friends: Just like a fish that travels in a schools and so do you. You make friends very easily, but keeping them is another story. How you treat friends: Most of your friendships float in the shallow end of the water because you are emotionally secretive. You keep your fins up not allowing others to get too close. Guest starring on Friends: You’d be confused weather to be friends with Chandler or Joey, no, maybe Monica, no, Ross, never mind you’d rather be alone.